oh, how quickly things can change

Change is a rather simple word - only six letters long, easily recognizable in print, and familiar to everyone since we were small children (remember watching caterpillars "change" into butterflies in preschool?!).  And yet, change can easily become one of the most complex actions we experience.  I am reminded of this every single day.

Every year of my life since I was five years old, I have been involved in school.  For all but two of those years, I was a full time student, and for the other two I worked full time at UNCG.  Sun up, get dressed, go to school, work, come home, sun down.  That was essentially the routine of my life!  Then two months ago, it all suddenly changed.  My job in the band office at UNCG had run to its end, all of my course work and teaching obligations had been completed, and while I am technically still a student (but hopefully only for a few more weeks! *fingers crossed*) I no longer am part of the academic routine.  I *gulp* work at home.

No longer do I have to decide what shoes to wear based on whether or not I have to walk scantron tests across campus to the learning center for grading.  No longer do I have to wake up "extra-early" so I have time to review my lecture notes before a busy day of classes and rehearsals.  No longer do I experience the beautiful moments of joy in amusing exchanges between colleagues in the halls, helping a student understand a concept in a new way, or watching a friend achieve hard earned success.

Instead, I have work to do.  Work by me, done for me, and probably that no one else will ever care about but me.  Alone.  At home.  Me, my computer, a gigantic stack of books, a plethora of notes and reminders on post-its, and a little kitty cat who just wishes I would go away so he could go back to sleep.

What an abrupt, drastic, and unexpectedly depressing change in lifestyle.  I am so ready for this phase of my academic journey to end that I can barely stand it much longer!  And I'm coming to realize that it isn't the struggle, the relentless hours of hard work, or the endless torrent of questions needing answers that I want over - it's the loneliness.  I miss my friends.  I miss feeling like I'm part of something larger than myself.  I miss feeling needed and valued and respected.

Grad school is hard.  Grad school ending is harder.