Il gato dice, "Ciao ciao a tutti!"
5.10.2012
cat scratch fever
So... all of you who know us well, know that I spent a lot of time talking about and laughing at the antics of my silly cat, Hutch-buddy. Therefore, I thought I'd share a few photos from recent weeks...
Il gato dice, "Ciao ciao a tutti!"
Il gato dice, "Ciao ciao a tutti!"
5.04.2012
the lessons of disappointment...
Well, this has been an eventful spring! Noah has been playing lots of concerts and working (too much) to pay the bills so that I can finish school. Which, I've almost done! I'm officially "ABD" now - so all I have to do is finish the "D" part (that is, my dissertation) and then, only then, will you all refer to me as "Dr. Cat" forever more. Ok, maybe not forever, but at least until I get tired of hearing it! And after this semester, I may never grow tired of hearing that title. :-)
I am so fortunate to have had numerous life-altering experiences during the course of my time as a graduate student at UNCG, and I'm not tossing around the phrase "life-altering" light heartedly. I truly mean it. I have learned more about music, about teaching and helping others, and about myself than I ever knew was possible - all thanks to an amazing group of professors and mentors that helped me along this journey. For them, I am greatly indebted, and I vow to continue their legacy through my own students.
It seems surprisingly fitting then, that the last journey I go through before finally crossing the finish line has become one that forces me to deal with perhaps one of my greatest weaknesses: disappointment. Yes, that's right. I am ending this amazing, successful journey by attempting to open myself up and really learn how to handle disappointment. I think one of the great driving forces in my need to always succeed is just how terrible I am at dealing with the disappointment of failure - not failure itself, for I have learned the wonderful value in making mistakes, and I cherish those learning opportunities - but the disappointment that inevitably appears when something doesn't turn out the way you had planned.
Today, right now actually, I should be walking across the stage at May commencement, receiving my doctoral hood from Dr. Burke and waving at my parents who have so graciously and proudly supported every decision I have made. Instead, I am sitting at home, in the relative peace and quiet (the washing machine is running!) staring at my dissertation on the computer screen and blinking back my tears over what a disaster this entire project has become; wrestling with the great disappointment that all because of this one infernally blasted document, the way I envisioned my time at UNCG ending will not come true. Oh, there is the silver lining, of course. I will finish this thing one day soon (even if it no longer feels like the project I intended it to be from the beginning) and I will have my 2 seconds of glory when I officially become a doctor of music, but it won't be alongside many of my dear friends and colleagues who shared this journey with me, it won't be while people still remember me and know who I am, what I accomplished, what I stand for. It won't be while there are fellow students sitting in the commencement band to cheer for me as my name is called... no. There won't be all the loving, smiling faces to share this final moment with. No hundreds of pictures on the camera roll by the end of the day. No tearful goodbyes and well wishes. Instead, I will be forgotten. Just another one of the students who couldn't get her act together by the deadlines and is doomed to the bottom-dwelling label of "December graduate." No one will be there, no one will remember, no one will care. Disappointment. Raw, unwelcome, bitter disappointment.
I can only hope that learning to deal with these feelings in a healthy, honest, and humble fashion will take me one step closer to being and acknowledging my true self. And then, once I'm there, I won't feel there was anything to be disappointed about in the first place. Because I didn't go through this process for today - for the pictures, sentiments of congratulations, and hugs - I went through it for me, to better myself, my world, and the lives of those with whom I am blessed to share a path with. And when I finally become Dr. Cat in my own understanding, that is the real moment of glory I have been waiting for.
I am so fortunate to have had numerous life-altering experiences during the course of my time as a graduate student at UNCG, and I'm not tossing around the phrase "life-altering" light heartedly. I truly mean it. I have learned more about music, about teaching and helping others, and about myself than I ever knew was possible - all thanks to an amazing group of professors and mentors that helped me along this journey. For them, I am greatly indebted, and I vow to continue their legacy through my own students.
It seems surprisingly fitting then, that the last journey I go through before finally crossing the finish line has become one that forces me to deal with perhaps one of my greatest weaknesses: disappointment. Yes, that's right. I am ending this amazing, successful journey by attempting to open myself up and really learn how to handle disappointment. I think one of the great driving forces in my need to always succeed is just how terrible I am at dealing with the disappointment of failure - not failure itself, for I have learned the wonderful value in making mistakes, and I cherish those learning opportunities - but the disappointment that inevitably appears when something doesn't turn out the way you had planned.
Today, right now actually, I should be walking across the stage at May commencement, receiving my doctoral hood from Dr. Burke and waving at my parents who have so graciously and proudly supported every decision I have made. Instead, I am sitting at home, in the relative peace and quiet (the washing machine is running!) staring at my dissertation on the computer screen and blinking back my tears over what a disaster this entire project has become; wrestling with the great disappointment that all because of this one infernally blasted document, the way I envisioned my time at UNCG ending will not come true. Oh, there is the silver lining, of course. I will finish this thing one day soon (even if it no longer feels like the project I intended it to be from the beginning) and I will have my 2 seconds of glory when I officially become a doctor of music, but it won't be alongside many of my dear friends and colleagues who shared this journey with me, it won't be while people still remember me and know who I am, what I accomplished, what I stand for. It won't be while there are fellow students sitting in the commencement band to cheer for me as my name is called... no. There won't be all the loving, smiling faces to share this final moment with. No hundreds of pictures on the camera roll by the end of the day. No tearful goodbyes and well wishes. Instead, I will be forgotten. Just another one of the students who couldn't get her act together by the deadlines and is doomed to the bottom-dwelling label of "December graduate." No one will be there, no one will remember, no one will care. Disappointment. Raw, unwelcome, bitter disappointment.
I can only hope that learning to deal with these feelings in a healthy, honest, and humble fashion will take me one step closer to being and acknowledging my true self. And then, once I'm there, I won't feel there was anything to be disappointed about in the first place. Because I didn't go through this process for today - for the pictures, sentiments of congratulations, and hugs - I went through it for me, to better myself, my world, and the lives of those with whom I am blessed to share a path with. And when I finally become Dr. Cat in my own understanding, that is the real moment of glory I have been waiting for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
